The Carpet

Props to Mr. R. Anderson for sparking the memory associated with today's post.

So, I think there was an episode of Coach where Luther was over at some dude's fancy apartment. I don't remember who this dude was, maybe an old buddy of Coach's who was totally successful, or maybe it was just someone's apartment like Christine's uncle or whatever. Anyway, for whatever reason everyone left the apartment except Luther. I don't know why Luther wouldn't have left, maybe everyone went to dinner but Luther just wasn't hungry? That doesn't make much sense, it seems like an obvious character trait for Luther would have been just to always have him be hungry. Maybe there were all kinds of jokes at the beginning of the episode because Luther had a stomach ache or sore throat or something that required him to take medicine with hilarious side effects. That's probably what it was, that way Luther wouldn't have had to not be hungry, but he could easily pass up going to dinner. "I'll just lie down on the couch," he probably said when everyone was leaving, shortly after trying to cover up whatever his reaction was to the medicine. The audience found this hilarious I bet.

Anyway, the main focus of the episode I think was that after everyone left, Luther spilled something on the carpet like grape juice. I was tempted to remember him spilling wine, but Luther seems like he wouldn't really drink wine, so I think it was grape juice. Anyway, for basically the remainder of the 26 minutes or whatever Luther was trying to get the stain out, but everything he did only made it worse. Like, probably he wanted to poor club soda all over it but they didn't have club soda in the apartment so he used cola and then when he tried to sop it up with towel or something he ended up just spreading it around. Eventually the people came home and he tried to hide the stain by moving a couch or furniture or something, but I think he couldn't keep this up so he had to admit to what had happened. Since the show had to be resolved, by this point, in like two minutes, whoever owned the carpet probably got really mad and then forgave Luther almost immediately by giving him a semi-patronizing castigation with overtones of friendliness.

I also think there was a dog that Luther was talking to the whole time he was trying to clean the carpet.

Dauber's Task

I seem to remember an episode of Coach where, throughout the episode, Dauber was continuously doing something really atypical for a big oafy jock to be doing. I can't remember what this was, exactly; I think maybe he had to carry an egg around and pretend it was a baby or something. Regardless, I think this hilarious situation/constraint Dauber was in was used to elicit laughter during otherwise normal conversations on the show. Like, maybe, Coach would be all "blah blah Dauber we have to go over [some football thing] tonight". And Dauber would respond "sure thing Coach". And then Coach would totally give a deadpan "that is of course unless you have to [something related to whatever the weird thing he was doing was]." Then Dauber would respond "Oh, no, don't worry Coach... I already [did whatever that thing was] this morning." The unexpected second clause of that sentence more than likely resulted in hilarity.

Then maybe at some other point in the episode, Dauber would be leaving to do something related to his weird task just as Luther was coming in to Coach's office. Then Luther would be all: "Where's he going?" And Coach would say: "He's got to [do something weird relating to whatever the hell he's been doing all episode]." And Luther would, hilariously, just take this in stride.

Man, regardless of how they did on the football field, Coach certainly hired an incredibly compatible staff.

Breaking Up

So, I'm pretty sure that before they got married, Coach and Christine had some kind of pseudo-rocky relationship. Like, I think there were hell of episodes where the whole premise is that Coach would screw something up and Christine would get mad and then Coach would have to come up with some sort of oafy, yet creative way to make it up to her/apologize. Then she would forgive him even though he probably didn't deserve to be forgiven and they would hug and kiss and then she'd probably say some one liner that totally delighted the audience and demonstrated that she was still a strong-willed person and then the credits would roll. I would estimate that this was the general story arc for roughly five episodes a season.

Anyway, despite this constant false-anger-cum-gruding-apology plot line, I seem to remember a period of time where they broke up or maybe almost broke up; I'm not sure which. Certainly things were tenuous. This was totally stupid because it was obvious neither one of them actually wanted to break up and everyone knew that of course they were going to get back together. During this time I think they probably went back to standard Luther/Dauber/Coach zany hijinx and/or football-centric plots, but they'd have to throw in a requisite line or two about Christine. Maybe they'd even make a joke about it like Luther would bring it up by being all: "How're things with Christine?" And Coach would just sort of glare at him and shake his head and then a few seconds later maybe the Athletic Director would come in and be all: "How're things with Christine?" and Coach would do the same thing and then the Athletic Director would turn to Luther for a little sympathy and Luther would also be doing the same thing, just shaking his head. This was probably hilarious.

I think this period of time was when the actress who played Christine actually had to leave for some reason.

Luther: Physical Comedian

I think that the guy who played Luther was pretty skilled at physical comedy. This fact would often manifest itself in plenty of hilarious situations, like probably when he was trying to grab his coffee or something while he was also on the phone, the phone chord would be just a little too short and then Luther would get all wound up in the chord and then maybe he'd knock over a chair or some trophies or whatever. Then Coach would come in and be all: "On the phone again?" in a perfect dead-pan. This probably brought the house down.

But as often as Luther's physical comedy was used deftly, I seem to remember times when it was employed in totally improbable situations. Like, I think probably there was some episode where Luther was at a fancy cocktail party and someone walked by with a tray of hors d'oeuvres. As soon as he went to grab one a different waitress would come by and then another and eventually he would get all tangled in hors d'oeuvres and probably knock a waitress over and also maybe a bus table. Then I think he would make some comment like: "The bruschetta tastes great!" while he was lying on a waitress on the floor or something.

Hmmm... I actually set out to use the hors d'oeuvres example as an illustration of when they misused Luther's physical comedic talent, but the more I think about it the more I realize that this was probably just as funny as when he would get all caught up in the phone chord.

I guess when it comes to Luther's flailing around and knocking stuff over, you can never have too much. I suppose that is why this device was utilized so frequently.

The Coach Blog: Season 2

I apologize for my absence. You will notice a new link to the right. You will also notice that I no longer live in San Francisco. These two facts are heavily related to the severe delay in posting. I have been busy to the point of being unable to reflect on the things from Coach that I don't entirely remember.

In other news, The Coach Blog is now one year old. And so, with this post, we begin a new season of The Coach Blog; one in which the memories get fuzzier, the posts become fewer, and the readership dwindles back to its original size.

I feel like whenever a new season started on Coach, Coach and Luther and Dauber would come back in to the office and briefly summarize whatever the hell they had been doing for the past month(s). This usually consisted of Coach berating Luther for some mistake he had made. I think the castigation was formed with some sort of ambiguous sentence structure so as to allow Luther to protest before it was revealed what had actually happened. Like maybe Coach would be all "That was some trip. I can't believe you [did something embarrassing]." And Luther would be like "come on, Hayden, it was just [something less embarrassing]." And then Coach would counter with "Yeah, [something WAY more embarrassing]." For example, it could be that Luther had spilled his wine on someone and then told Coach that the old woman didn't seem to mind and then maybe the old woman turned out to be the Queen of England or something. This probably got a big laugh and then Luther would sheepishly say something after everyone was done laughing. Then I think some other character would come in to the office and the plot of the show would start.

After that, no one ever mentioned whatever had happened, I think.

Two Part Episode? One Part Post

Readership of The Coach Blog seems to have increased dramatically in the past two weeks. My sincere thanks to all of you for your supportive comments and fuzzy recollections.

So there was this episode of Coach that was aired in two parts, I'm pretty sure. The main events of the episode centered around Minnesota State going to a bowl game in some tropical place like Hawaii or Florida or something. The game was a big deal because I think it was their first bowl appearance in some time, but also there was hell of personal pride on the line because Coach and the other team's coach had some sort of rocky history. I don't remember what the history was; maybe the guy was Coach's former college coach and they didn't get along, or maybe they coached against each other in some big game and there was a trick play or some questionable call and Coach was totally humiliated or whatever. In any case, I'm pretty sure the other coach had a name that had something to do with snakes, so people called him "The Snake" or "Jimmy Snake" or something. I also distinctly recall the Snake-Guy and Coach having some conversation in Coach's office where they talked about "the day the snake outwitted the fox," as though that was what the media had dubbed whatever the hell happened between them in that other football game. In this scene also I think it was established that the Snake-Guy was a total asshole. This added further to the understated implications of Coach's previous humiliation, as well as the audience's desire for Coach to beat him in football.

Anyway, so eventually the team went to wherever it was they were supposed to go and I'm sure all sorts of crazy hijinx ensued like maybe Luther had a hilariously difficult time going through airport security or whatever, but the only other thing I remember about the first part of the episode was that there was some sort of limbo competition taking place and Minnesota State's star player (the quarterback maybe?) injured his back. I don't have any idea why there would be a limbo competition taking place, or why Coach would let his players participate in such an event immediately before an important game, but for whatever reason it happened and all hope was lost for Coach, or so it seemed. This is when I think it said: "to be continued..." in an attempt to leave the audience totally in suspense.

I don't really remember what happened in the second part of the episode, except that like, on the last play of the game, the injured guy totally took off his neck-brace and stood up out of his wheelchair and went in to the game. It turns out it he wasn't injured at all. I guess Coach's big plan was to lure the Snake-Guy into some sense of false security, but it kind of seems like maybe the most terrible football strategy I've ever heard of. What could you possibly gain by benching your best player for the entire game, only to have him come in at the end? What the hell was Coach thinking? In any case, I'm pretty sure it worked for some reason and Minnesota State won the game. I think they dumped the Gatorade cooler on Coach like right as they were fading out of the scene and probably some music was playing and I think the audience applauded as if they actually cared what was happening.

The episode ended, I think, with a scene in Coach's office where the Snake-Guy comes in and says something to the effect of "blah blah blah the day the fox outwitted the snake." And then they had some sort of pointless reconciliation and then that character never appeared again on the show.

Coach's Ex-Wife

So I'm pretty sure Coach had another marriage before he eventually got married to Christine. That would have made this woman Kelly's mom, I'm fairly certain. I think it was one of those things where she probably only showed up in a couple episodes a season and did nothing but make sarcastic one-liners, most of which were subtle double-entendres about Coach's masculinity, sexual prowess, or parenting skills. Also probably she made jokes about some time that Coach totally screwed up in football. I seem to remember that she was also usually drinking some kind of sassy chick drink in a martini glass; like maybe a Cosmopolitan or something but I don't know if Cosmopolitans had even been invented yet.

Episodes that she was in were probably some of the more formulaic. I think like, Coach would be sitting in his office with Luther and Dauber and someone would bring up that Coach's ex-wife (I don't remember her name) was in town and then Coach made some joke where he compared his ex-wife to a witch or something. Then maybe Kelly came in to the office and talked about whatever it was they were going to do while she was visiting. Then I think Coach would make some other joke that was maybe a little less overt and then Kelly would be all: "Daddy, I know you and Mom don't blah blah blah but can you please try to blah blah blah blah. For me? Please?" And Coach would grudgingly say that he'll try. Shortly after this conversation Coach's ex-wife would come in and they'd greet each other by their first names or maybe even Coach would use that opportunity to make another joke at his ex-wife's expense. She would then counter with something like: "I see you still [some kind of negative spin on Coach's current life.]" Then Coach would maybe start to say something that clearly would have been an awesome comeback but Kelly would say, "Daddy..." and then look at him all smug.

I think she had sort of dark reddish hair.